Episode 4 - Interview with Ellen Behrens
Ellen Behrens is a retired software developer/analyst. A graduate of Stanford University with a music major, she worked in the Silicon Valley, learning as she went until she became a software developer for Stanislaus County. Born and raised in Modesto, California. She is the second of two children. Ellen’s life has had some rough spots. Both of her parents had problems with alcohol, as does her brother now. Her mother raised her to be extremely codependent, by her example. Ellen has been diagnosed as chronically depressed since the age of 12. At 64 now, she is finally “in remission” and living a life filled with joy and growth.
Ellen's Dream: Finding out who I am, using my skills, and living in joy.
Ellen's Dream: Finding out who I am, using my skills, and living in joy.
Ellen's Answers to my Questions:
Dreams:
Where can our listeners find you?
Blog: Common Sense isn’t Common (commonsenseisntcommon.blog)
Email: ellen.behrens@alumni.stanford.edu
Dreams:
- what were your dreams and how long did it take you to go after them?
Since the age of perhaps 16, I've know there had to be a way to live that wasn't as painful and frustrating as what I was experiencing. That there had to be a way to figure out who I was. In the process I ended up with a therapist who was sexually and emotionally abusive, but I didn't blame therapy. - what was the deciding factor? Was there a major shift or incident in your life to make you change what you were doing or were you always moving forward in the dream achievement department?
The awareness that I was struggling understanding who I was supposed to be, began in high school. I thought I would find a list of who I should be outside of myself. Both of my father’s parents committed suicide (at different times in his life). He wasn’t able to deal with that. One of my mother’s grandparents tried to commit suicide, but to my mother it didn’t count because she didn’t succeed.
I feel like I’d always had the dream, but it only became conscious after an experience of crying and not being able to stop when my mother announced at church what a blessing I was when I was visiting from college. - what responses do you get from other people when they find out?
A range of responses. There were people who used my search to manipulate me. My parents never understood and when I asked questions would answer that I wasn’t old enough to understand -- even when I was in college. I had a few friends who supported me over the years and understood the issues. The process really began moving when I found a religion/spirituality where I didn’t feel I was being told I was broken. I somehow found the strength to make the changes I needed to. And actually, didn’t have a lot of choice in some of it. (Getting a doctor who didn’t laugh at me, for one thing.) - What would you tell others who aspire to…
Find a support team. Find people who don’t want to make you into anything, who just want to support you in finding out for yourself who you are. A support team can offer suggestions, but they need to not care whether you take them or not, and you need to find out for yourself what feels right and what works for you. Who you are is inside you, not something you find outside of yourself. - Anything else you want to tell people?
Your support team also needs to be a good place to reality check your experiences and thoughts. I cannot tell you how it changed my life to have my current, amazing therapist tell me that how my family behaved was not “normal.” My parents didn’t abuse me. They were just dysfunctional. And their dysfunction was what they taught me. Having people you can get honest opinions from about what makes sense is really helpful. You do not need to agree with them, but it helps to see what a variety there is.
Where can our listeners find you?
Blog: Common Sense isn’t Common (commonsenseisntcommon.blog)
Email: ellen.behrens@alumni.stanford.edu